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To Struggle Well.

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance." – Alan Watts


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To struggle well.


At first glance, the phrase feels contradictory—how can struggle and wellness coexist?


And yet, this paradox reveals a powerful wisdom—one that encourages us to ask ourselves how we might move through life's transitions not merely by surviving them, but by embracing them with strength, grace, and purpose.


"Struggling well" doesn’t mean avoiding discomfort—it means learning to meet it with understanding. And that begins with recognizing what change actually is. Change inherently involves moving from the familiar to the unfamiliar, from certainty to uncertainty, from what we know to what we're still learning. Even when the change is welcome or self-chosen—a promotion, a marriage, a long-awaited move—it often brings its own kind of struggle, asking us to navigate the discomfort of adaptation.


And while we all experience change throughout our entire lives, here’s what makes struggling well especially significant: thanks to increased longevity, what my latest speaker, executive coach and life transitions specialist Ilene Schaffer, calls our middle years—that expansive period from roughly 30 to 75—has now become the longest span of our lifetime, presenting us with more transitions than any other life stage. It’s a time filled with career shifts, relationship changes, family evolution, health adjustments, and relocations—a constant, bittersweet dance between celebrating new chapters and grieving what we’re leaving behind.


If transitions are inevitable and they all involve some form of struggle, then learning to "struggle well" becomes one of the most essential life skills we can develop. The question isn't whether change will come—it's how we'll meet it when it arrives.


So, how do we learn to “struggle well” through the numerous transitions of our middle years?


Ilene shared that it begins with understanding the big picture—getting to know our outer landscape of transitions, tuning into our inner responses, and grounding ourselves in key frameworks that help us make sense of it all. Together, these insights help lay the foundation for taking action with more clarity, intention, and self-awareness.


The Outer Landscape – Types of Change


Not all changes are created equal, and recognizing this difference is the first step toward learning how to respond with intention, grace, and strength. Drawing from her 30 years of experience as a executive coach and life transitions specialist, Ilene shared that life’s transitions tend to fall into three distinct categories:


  • Tiny bumps: small adjustments that seem insignificant but still throw off your rhythm: a new commute route due to construction, your favorite gym class gets canceled, or a friend moving away.

  • Twists and turns: plan-altering surprises that don’t derail your journey but still force a detour: a project deadline moves up, you’re suddenly offered a better job from another company, or a planned vacation gets postponed.

  • Hard falls: major life disruptions that knock you off course and can require significant recovery time: job loss, divorce, serious illness, the death of a loved one, or any event that fundamentally alters your life’s trajectory.


Here’s a fascinating insight Ilene shared: we tend to naturally extend patience and understanding to ourselves and others during the hard falls—“Of course we/they are struggling,” we say. “This is huge!” Yet we rarely offer that same compassion during the tiny bumps or the twists and turns. And even when the change is something we’ve longed for—a promotion, getting married, or moving into a dream home—it still requires adaptation and can absolutely trigger stress responses. These desired changes may be joyful and meaningful, and those smaller shifts may seem minor in the moment, but they can still throw us off balance. Whether joyful or unexpected, each transition deserves emotional recalibration—and compassion.


Another powerful insight Ilene offered was this: what feels like a tiny bump to one person might feel like a hard fall to someone else. There are no hard-and-fast rules about how much or how long we should—or shouldn’t—feel when facing change. This is where compassion—for both ourselves and others—becomes non-negotiable, because comparing pain is a lose-lose game. We each experience transitions uniquely, shaped by our personal context, past experiences, and emotional makeup. This insight hit home recently when I navigated my oldest child's high school graduation. For some, this life transition felt like a tiny bump; for others, a twist and turn; and for others, it genuinely felt like a hard fall. I realized then that these are the moments when our compassion—for ourselves and for one another—matters most. Our role isn’t to judge, but to witness—and to offer or seek support as needed, in the ways we’re best able, always grounded in respect and care.


The Inner Landscape – What’s Happening Inside Us


Our Body

Change initially appears as a physical response—tight shoulders, a churning stomach, a headache, interrupted sleep, breath that turns shallow or vanishes altogether. Words alone can dial that response up or down. Compare “You’re about to face a massive transition” with “You’re about to get the coolest opportunity.” Same unknown, different body reaction.


Practicing quick check-ins (“Where am I holding tension?” “Am I breathing?”) raises our awareness and hands us the data we need to choose a reset—maybe a brisk walk, a hot bath, listening to your favorite playlist, calling a dear friend, a deep belly exhale, whatever you know works for you. These tiny interventions help keep us from camping in survival mode.


Our Brain

Uncertainty instantly triggers the brain’s threat switch—our ancient fight-or-flight wiring doing what it does best: protecting us. The goal isn’t to shut that off, but to signal safety: “Yes, this is new and a little scary, but I am okay.” Rituals like mindful breathing, movement, or simply naming the fear can help calm the nervous system and signal safety.


A Trio of Frameworks for Navigating Change


Ilene wove together three powerful lenses to help us better understand the anatomy of change. She began with William Bridges’ Cycle of Change Model—a widely respected and practical framework that maps the emotional journey of change, from endings through uncertainty to new beginnings. She then introduced her own observed cycle, shaped by nearly 30 years of coaching and lived experience, offering grounded insights into how she has witnessed people move through transitions in real life. Finally, she shared James Prochaska’s Transtheoretical Model of Change—a research-based framework that draws from cognitive, behavioral, and humanistic psychology to explain how people change their behaviors over time.


Here’s how each of these approaches deepens our understanding of how we move through change:


  1. Cycle of Change – William Bridges’ Model

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Bridges’ model focuses less on external events and more on the internal psychological shifts that accompany any change. He breaks the transition process into three distinct phases—and notably, he begins with an ending.


  • Endings: where something familiar comes to a close. This phase often brings emotions like grief, resistance, or disorientation, even if the change is positive. Ilene emphasized that Bridges intentionally starts with an ending—because every transition begins with something that is no longer.

  • The Neutral Zone: the messy, in-between space filled with uncertainty and ambiguity. It's where the old no longer fits, but the new hasn't fully taken shape. While uncomfortable, it can also be a time of deep creativity and transformation. Ilene called this “messy middle” the most important phase in a transition. She shared that although our instinct is to rush through it because it's so unsettling, this is precisely where grace and grit are needed the most. It's where digging in deep to sit with the discomfort —getting quiet—can give rise to the insight and energy needed to problem-solve and move forward.

  • New Beginnings: where energy starts to return and clarity emerges. It’s when we begin to embrace the new reality and move forward with a renewed sense of identity or purpose. It’s when we adapt to the new norm.


Bridges' key insight is this: acknowledging the emotional journey—especially the discomfort of the neutral zone—allows us to move through transitions with greater compassion and resilience.


  1. 6–9 Month (Unscientific) Transition Journey – Ilene’s Observations


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Drawing from nearly three decades of coaching and lived experience, Ilene has witnessed patterns in how people actually move through transitions. Her observed cycle complements theoretical models by bringing a real-world lens to the emotional and behavioral rhythms of change.


Her observations underscore:


  • How unpredictable transitions can feel in the moment, even when they're expected.

  • The looping nature of growth—how we often revisit certain emotions or stages before moving forward.

  • The importance of permission to feel what we feel, without judgment or a rush to resolution.


Ilene’s model is especially powerful because it names what so many people intuitively sense but rarely have language for—normalizing the non-linear, human side of change.


  1. Change Theory – James Prochaska


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Also known as the Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change, Prochaska’s framework is grounded in decades of research and integrates insights from cognitive, behavioral, and humanistic psychology. It outlines six stages people typically move through when making a behavior change:


  • Pre-contemplation – not yet considering change

  • Contemplation – becoming aware, but feeling ambivalent

  • Preparation – intending to take action soon

  • Action – actively changing behavior

  • Maintenance – sustaining the change

  • Regress– slipping back into old habits and learning from the experience


This model reframes change as an ongoing journey, not a one-time decision. It normalizes the starts, stops, and resets that are often part of personal transformation.


Ilene shared a powerful insight about what happens when we try to bring others into our change journey. Often, by the time we’ve worked through these stages and are ready to act, we expect others to meet us there. But for them, the change may be brand new—they might still be in pre-contemplation or contemplation. Ilene reminded us that resistance is often not disagreement, but a sign that someone is simply at a different point in the process. Navigating change together requires compassion, patience, and an awareness that we’re not all on the same timeline.


Together, these three perspectives offer a rich, layered understanding of what it truly means to navigate change—in theory, in practice, and in real life. By combining psychological research, emotional insight, and lived observation, Ilene created a roadmap for transitions that is both profoundly human and deeply helpful.


From Insight to Action


To wrap up, Ilene gifted us with what she has identified as the five ingredients for gracefully navigating change:


  1. Focus on What You Can Control

  2. Work Toward a Desired Result—Pivot if Needed

  3. Pay Attention to Your Internal Dialogue—Words Matter!

  4. Ask for Support

  5. Invest in Healthy Behaviors (Sleep, Connection, Nutrition, Movement, Mindfulness)


These aren’t lofty ideals—they’re grounded, accessible practices that can anchor us during times of uncertainty.


To help apply these ingredients in real life—and to support continued self-reflection as we move through change—Ilene offered five simple yet powerful prompts. She encouraged us to explore them while moving—walking, running, rowing—as research shows that physical movement can spark creativity and help unstick our thinking:


  1. What do I want to continue?

  2. What do I want to leave behind?

  3. What do I want to begin?

  4. What do I want to do differently?

  5. Where is my zone of choice (where can I go next)?


These questions can help transform abstract insight into grounded clarity. Add patience—for yourself and for others—and you’ll find yourself better equipped to truly struggle well.


Key Takeaways


To summarize the wisdom Ilene so generously shared, here are a few key takeaways she hoped we’d carry with us:


  • Change looks different for everyone. Your “speed bump” might be my “hard fall.”

  • The body keeps the score. Notice your breath, tension, or gut signals—then respond with kindness and with what works best for you. Remembering that what helps you may not help someone else—and even for you, it may shift over time.

  • The brain does not like uncertainty. Reassure it with rituals of safety, routine, and compassionate words.

  • Frameworks help us locate ourselves. Prochaska offers behavioral stages, Bridges maps emotional phases, and Ilene brings coaching wisdom rooted in lived experience.

  • Small questions unlock big shifts. Use the five prompts to move from surviving to thriving.  


And while there’s no single roadmap for navigating the twists and turns ahead, the insights and tools Ilene shared invite us to approach our transitions with intention and care.


The middle years are long—but that means we have time! Time to practice compassion, time to adjust our sails, and time to transform struggle into a catalyst for growth. So the next time life veers off script, don’t just ask, “How do I survive this?” Ask instead, “How can I come out thriving on the other side—how can I struggle well?”


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Contact Ilene Schaffer @



During our amazing conversation with Ilene she shared a yearly birthday ritual she has practiced for many years to bring meaningfulness into her life and she also promised to share recommendations of well-being books that she considers valuable. Please find both resources below – thank you, Ilene, so much!



 
 
 

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